Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Here's an obscure thought

Masturbation is not an act that just happens. And, generally, it isn't premeditated: It's an action initiated spontaneously by the right image or moment. The beauty involved in this is that the keys to jack-off ignition is usually random and unexpected, and can range from a variety of things.

Someone just got a chubby.

One of the few things in life that is truly non-routine and completely without anticipation, this has become something of a rarity as I approach (more like disastrously collide into) adulthood. Not masturbation of course.

That flight has no stops.

But spontaneity. My days are usually as follows:

Work, generally in the afternoon through evening.

Day off. Band practice.

Work, generally midday

Work, generally morning

Work, generally morning, used to involve band practice (Band died on me :()

Day off. The same two friends and I do something that involves verbally pirouetting around homosexuality.

Like this, but with grace.

Work, generally midday. Possible hangout time with a friend.

I've inadvertently established a routine of things to substantiate my life with. This usually leads to the homogenization of human thought, though my personal routine has enough variety in it to keep me sharp, or at least not like those other boys with the college sweaters.

This hatred is brought to you by my lack of college.

So in order to avoid becoming a gray blob in a tannish shell adorned with some variant of a tanktop or a cardigan, I've made sure to cherish and create moments that destroy routine, or the established "supposed to's" of life. And one of the microcosms of all this?

That's right, masturbation.

I am aware this is probably not your initial answer.

When masturbation is initiated spontaneously, as it often is, the actual session that follows does not usually involve whatever fucked up fetish rattled your jigglies in the first place. In other words, female Link sending sexy signals through your dick doesn't mean female Mario will be what sends the cumsies flyin'.

But it should.

In fact, it may be something entirely different. In an entire session of masturbation, you very well may have explored a myriad of different fetishes before landing on one particular minute that a Youporn vid featuring Eva Angelina got super hot. And before you know it, in 15 minutes, you just visited 3 websites, viewed 8 to 10 videos, and watched God knows how many people put their pink squigglies together. I dare you to find any moment as culturally varied as the act of masturbation in your daily life.

Or maybe just male masturbation. Because women don't masturbate.

But she will.

And sure, actual sex is all fun and good. But banging the same partner saturates the fuck market. And promiscuous sex is like post-Blitzkreig London in WWII; yeah you got a lot of cool shit to say, but really, you're all dead inside.

Keep calm, and offend war victims.

This blog is, in all seriousness, less about masturbation and more about the embrace of all things different. The things that keep you waking up in the morning, quietly muttering "Oh yeah, that happened". The things that have you re-reading texts you fired off in whatever emotional (Or drunken, haha *regrets*) haze you might've undergone. Because they grow scarce as we get older. And I honestly believe these wonderful rarities keep us, as intellectual members of society, mentally fit and emotionally upbeat.

So make the world a better place. Get to jackin'.

I am a professional, upstanding citizen of the world.