Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Offensive Tumblr Remarks Incite Toilet Paper Revolt

05 Apr 2011 16:39
Source: Reuters // Reuters*

Toilet papers, outraged by satirist and all-around hipster douchebag MrIndieDay's tumblr. post, have protested en masse on the streets of Newark, NJ.

"I'm not sure what happened," said MrIndieDay in an interview via satellite, "seeing as the tumblr thing was just a joke. I make the post, walk into my bathroom, and there they were. Or weren't."

The toilet paper has apparently upped and marched out in the wake of MrIndieDay's comments, not long after he decided to actually utilize the toilet paper.

"It's out of spite and nothing more. I know it."

The toilet paper organization, better known as Charmin, has fired back at the 20 year old humorist in an official statement.

"We do not take our use lightly. We strive to supersede the second-class mark that has been branded on us. To be more than the years of oppression and attempts to wipe us out. We take pride in our recent streak of successful paper integration, and seek equality among our lined brethren in the world of paper-usage. MrIndieDay has opposed these efforts, and we will not tolerate his tarnishing our cotton-white facade."

This recent revolt is in lieu of previous toilet paper abuses, namely the damaging "Coffee and Pizza" catastrophe, which Charmin has described to be "our own Holocaust."

"The coffee and pizza thing was brutal, as I understand it," says MrIndieDay, "but that doesn't mean later toilet paper mentioning need to be viewed under such harsh scrutiny."

Expressing his disdain, he later added "You just can't take shit so seriously nowadays."

Charmin continues to march up and down the streets of North Newark, seeking to further its civil rights cause.

"Joke or not", a Charmin representative stated, "we will not let him stain us."

(Additional reporting by Scott Bounty, Brawny Cottonelle, and Angel "Soft" Viva)