Saturday, February 13, 2010

John Mayer's Persnickety Penis

John Mayer must really enjoy the taste of his foot in his mouth. Yes, ladies and gentleman, (well, probably just ladies) he’s done it again; John Mayer said something stupid. Bloggers everywhere are in an uproar over the velvet-voiced white boy’s latest interview with Playboy magazine. For the record, i wasnt planning on even discussing this story; not in conversation, not on this blog, not in a box, not with a fox.....sorry. Its 4 in the morning. I’m losing it. Anyway, when i first heard about this, all i could think was “here we go again.” John Mayer has quite the track record of saying stupid things; its how he got his whole “douchebag” rep. I personally believe he’s not a douche (and trust me, i know how to spot a douche). I think he’s a true musician who, over the years has become completely disillusioned with “the industry.” Like all true musicians, all he ever wanted to do was make music. Not surprisingly, after being in the music business for quite some time, and realizing that its more “business” and less “music,” he naturally feels the need to lash out. And so, in a very passive aggressive move, he creates this douchebag persona and shows up as “that guy” to interviews. But thats just my opinion. Read some of his unsavory comments, and you can decide for yourself:

PLAYBOY: If you didn't know you, would you think you're a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and "Daughters." If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you're very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, "What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?" And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, "I can't really have a hood pass. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.”

First of all, i’d like to just skip over his use of the word “nigger,” if that’s ok with everyone. I think the general public has pretty much beat this discussion into the ground. We know....its not ok. Moving on.....

What I really appreciate is being told by John Mayer what it is to be black. And all these years, I just went along thinking being black was all booty bouncing, purple cool-aid, and Chingy. THANK YOU JOHN MAYER for clearing that up for me. Thank you for shining your white light on the meaning of black life, especially for illuminating the daily struggle we black women face, dealing with penis racism. I finally have some direction in this miserable, painful little black life of mine. Really, THANK YOU.

there really is more to life than that right thuuuuure

The same night the interview was posted, at a Nashville show, he made a very lengthy apology (which was likely lost on the crowd; gotta love the chick at 1:44)

So John, if you’re out there, and somehow come across these words, i’d like to speak to you directly....lately it seems like any time you open your mouth to do anything besides sing, things go terribly wrong and we’re left making bets on how long it will be before the next twitter apology. Ok. We get it John Mayer; all you wanna do is make music. Fine. THEN DO THAT! Stupid, sappy girls like myself will still swoon over your sweet sweet voice and bluesy guitar riffs. You DO NOT have to make a douche of yourself. Besides, what did sweet little Kerry Washington ever do to you anyway?!


  1. Yeah there's this sense of purposeful vapidness in his speaking. Like he's going off-kilter, but in a calculated way. It wouldn't surprise me if all that shit was intentional, but it's possible there's more a meaning to his words than just "IT'S ABOUT MUSIC MAN".

    I know you'd rather he stay shut but I actually kind of appreciate the sense of rebellion in his doing all this. Wish his point was clear though.

    Also, those girls piss me off. He bares his heart out on stage about himself and all they could do is yell excitedly like seagulls around wonderbread. Way to go, crowd.

  2. I need to know why people tend to think hood and nigger correlate. THEY DONT! Yes I'm from the hood but am I a nigger...NO! Having a hood pass simply means that you are respected and since when did being respectful make you a nigger? I get the point Mayer is trying to make but he needs better word choice. Oh and as for his penis I could careless who sits on it or puts it in their mouths but its disrespectful to disrespect females in the process of talking about it. Not just black females considering thats who he mentions but all females.