An Open Letter to Ke$ha:

Dear Ke$ha,

Please stop making music. You suck and I hate you.

Okay, I don't hate you.



Okay. Maybe I do.

Look, before I start throwing the verbal knives at you and rip your musical heart out, I want you to know it's because I'm sad. Not angry. Just sad.

I heard "Tik Tok". There's potential in there. It's got a catchy synth riff, and a very enthusiastic sound. It can really accentuate a good night out, you know?

But you smash all its potential like an abortion.

And it makes me sad that you're not-musical vocals would do that. I guess the assumption is that if it's not in a melody, you must be rapping. That's fine and all. If it wasn't trash.

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no


No way? Did you just ask the DJ to turn the speakers up and not to stop???? Wow!!!! I never heard that before!!!!


She has made demands to heighten the volume as it pertains to sound! Have you not realized it is not yet loud enough???

And "Tonight, I'mma fight"? Who? What are you fighting? Please tell me it's Missy Elliot. Maybe she can beat the rap into you and the shit out of you.

This message is not mean-spirited, though.


Okay, maybe it's too late to say that.

I just want you to know that you've made what is arguably the worst song in the past 10 years with this track, and probably regressed pop music by about 13 years.

It's just not catchy and fun when you're "making" songs that have "to-hell-with-the-expiration-date" lyrics (Credit to Jonah Weiner of Slate magazine for that gem), unforgivable "rapping", a chorus with about as much rhythm as a dwarf on stilts, and an opening line that references the fakest hip-hop artist that has ever been.


She won't float you out of your sinking career, Diddy.

You're even making girls happily indulge in how awful this is. Not just regressing pop music, but society. I mean, really? "Boys trying to touch our junk"? That's sexual harassment. Not drunk funsies.

And worst of all, I know you're probably happy about it. And making money. And all this celebratory stuff. And it's just not right Ke$ha.

Like I said, though, the song's music is cool and original.

Wait. It's not?

Sorry Ke$ha, but you've created an abomination that completely rips off another song's melody, has unimaginative lyrics, and you sound like Aunt Betsy from Hoboken.

And I wish you'd just stop existing around music. Please. Just stay from the recording studio. I'm saying this because I care.

Love,
Me.

P.S. Fuck your dollar sign.