Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Comprehensive Breakdown of A Starbucks' Baristas/I'm a Complete Stalker

This collection of words was written on the fly as I observed. Every break in the writing was real, and none of this was pre-drafted or brainstormed. You are reading the stream of my disorganized consciousness. Let the creeping begin.

Big-Worker Momma Lady - Thorough, attentive, robotic. Experience up the ass, I'm sure. Knows the words to rattle off for every situation. Manager? I asked: of course she is.

Issues: Seems a little too directive, but she's a manager. It's in her blood.

That One Lesbia---

Goddamnit I like her. What is it with me and dykes?


That One (Assumed ((As In I Hope Not))) Lesbian - Talkative, considerate, smart.

Issues: Doesn't know when to shut up. Not that this is annoying. She's a quirky dork. That's TOTALLY cute. Okay. Dismissing stupid smile/gushing now.

The Straight Guy - There's always the one. He's a great barista (The foam on this milk is fucking sexy). He's passionate and kind enough. A winner. Probably a shift supervisor.

Issues: Looks bored/has hipster-esque "Ehhhhh yeah" aura. But it's hardly disconcerting.

The Chubby Girl Who's Way Too Happy - Another Starbucks staple. Unlike my store's CGWWTH, she seems genuinely nice. Everyone gets along with her. Is likable. Yay.

Issues: None. Well, that I could discern; people who smile too much are always broken toy dolls on the inside.

Maybe she's not gay? Maybe she's just that nerdy? Or maybe I'm gay. I'll shut up.

The Old Lady - Has kids. Aces mundane conversation (A must-have skill for SB). She's a blast to talk to though. I usually hate moms, but I'll make exception.

Issues: Despite the overwhelmingly sweet demeanor, she has the face and voice of someone who's yelled about wire hangers before. A lot. It's nothing evidential, though. Just an inference.

I think the CGWWTH goes out with a black guy! Wow! I'm proud of her. And sad for African-Americans.

The Gay Guy - SB staple #3. Has a strange fauxhawk-ish hairstyle, a bit of eyeliner, and a popped collar that beautifully (I'm lying) hides a neck that has decided to recede into his chest, forming a pelican swoop.

Issues: Trying a little too hard to be stylish. He came in with large white-rimmed sunglasses. The collar-pop, besides being an obvious compensation for his hermit neck, looks less about throat insecurity and more about looking cool. The baristas also became a little more introverted upon his debut, but I could be applying subjectivity here. 'Cause I'ma hata.

More SB-related disturbingly stalker-esque rambling analysis tomorrow.


  1. Until you post a massive picture of yourself on here, you're not getting any "OH! HAHA! LOVES IT!" comments from me.

    Until then, you're just the "annoying jerk that everyone wishes would quit and go back to McDonald's" barista.

  2. Your dissatisfaction is of great concern to me.