Monday, January 30, 2012

A C'n'L How To: Write a Cover Letter

Cover letters are recommended to accompany resumés when your search for jobs. They provide a personable twist in which you express your interpretation of your job skills and abilities, which is in stark contrast to the often rigid and objective goals of the resumé.

Having experience in writing and in bragging writing about myself, I will be taking the time to show you, step-by-step how to scribe the best cover letter possible. I will be using my own cover letter as an example, because it is so great.

You are welcomed.

Step 1: The Date

It is incredibly important to show your potential employer that you are aware of what month, day, and year it is, in that order.

Because fuck this day first shit.

This shows you have a stellar sense of time; a requirement for many job fields.

Ex: 1/14/12

Pay attention to the subtlety of the backslashes.

Step 2: Personal Information

The employer should know who he is hiring.

“She” bosses are chefs.

So it is important to leave details of your systemic existence.

Mr. Indie Day
69 Cookiesville, Landmine, BS
1-555-366-5437 -

See how in this detail I included my name? Remember that detail, and as always, check with your social security card if you happen to forget.

My name is 000-00-0000.

Step 3: The intro.

You always want to make sure you begin with “Dear”, and a grateful yet unadulating title to call your potential employer. This indicates respect for authority, while still maintaining pride; a delicate balance. The phrase to keep in mind is “Deference and dignity”.

Dear Fuckmouth Loserbitch,

There is no greater honor.

Step 4: The Opening.

Always let your employer know why it was you replied to his offering. Make them feel as though you understood their request, and that you can fulfill it.

Before bragging like an asshole.

I’m pretty good at the shit you wrote about. Like, I can do plenty of that customer service stuff. I remember this one time at CVS this guy asked me for a CVS card, right? And you know what I did? I was like “Here you go bro. Here’s an application.” And he fucking filled that shit out. Bam. New card carrier. It’s like nothing.

As I articulated in this paragraph, I am more than capable of any customer effort, which pertained to the field I was inquiring for.

“Customer service.”

Notice the subtle use of laymen language. Words like “man”, “bro”, and “I” create rapport with a person who does not know you. Words of icebreaking, so to speak.

Or icebuilding.

Step 4: The Body

This is the standout paragraph in which you methodically detail your abilities while skirting any attitude that may sound boastful. Tough though rewarding, it is where you tightrope walk between personal expression of skill and excessive enthusiasm. I would prescribe less a focus on speaking of your personality, and more an effort to interpret, through your own words, what you can logistically provide to the employer.

Ask yourself these questions as you conjure your words, “Would I hire this person for his stated skills?” “Do I sound overly confident?” “Do my statements translate into productive work ethics?” And, as always, “Do I fit this employer’s needs?”

I only smoke weed once a week.

Still icy.

Step 5: The Conclusion.

Rewind and find your opening paragraph. Condense its objectives and flank them with your previously stated abilities. This provides an excellent summary that expresses both why you are applying, why you fit this company, and why you deserve acknowledgment over other applicants.

You’re specialer.

Listen, man, I’ve done this kind of work before and I really need the money. So I’d be good, right? I mean, let’s be honest, who really cares about your company? Nobody. Except for me. Well not really. But I know I can do a good job looking like it man. Trust me on this shit.

With all these powers combined I am,
Captain Planet.


Notice the minimal injection of humor there. This shows that while you are a serious candidate for hiring, you can be a sincere person when required of you. This is a key trait that a resume cannot express, as resumes are often inundated with such stringent logistical information that there is no room for that personal touch a cover letter can bring.

Which she makes me do. To myself.

As of yet, this cover letter has not received any feedback.


But in comparison to many cover letters, this one is certainly one that stands out in both personality, sincere interest, and applicable skills for the trade. I will be posting this cover letter on its own for anyone’s future use, as I encourage you all to take use of my outstanding efforts in your future endeavors.

I only want to help my peers and/or adoring fans in succeeding in their goals however I see fit. Good luck. And if you fail, it is your fault.


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