Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Bomber's Dozen August 1st-August 7th: The Fiery 7

The Tasty 6.

7. Morrissey knows what's important.

Imagine; you have a piece of paper, a pen, and the influential voice to rightfully express your political/social concerns. Your words will be formed to persuade the Queen. What is your concern?

Dear Queen of England...

To whom music/news may concern, if it does at all over there,

I can't parody you as well as yourself. Please stop.

Or continue. For me.

But for your sake, stop.

EPA clearly has a legitimate and relevant agenda, as dust is also a serious issue in our deserts and warehouses, and has recently infiltrated our homes in the form tiny balls between our furniture.

It must be stopped.

In a second letter released by the EPA, it states they will be sending a team of 5 men to combat clouds of dust across America with a high-tech vacuum whilst Ray Parker Jr. plays in the background.

10. Ya don't say?

"Where you're famous, doctors will kiss your ass because they love the celebrity," he said. "'Oh, I can call up Eminem and get him on the phone right now. Oh, hi Marshall, how are you doing? Do you need that [prescription]?' There are doctors that will give you certain things just because of who you are."

She thinks you're late.

As much as I appreciate any artist tearing a shitty crowd apart, doing it to NY hipsters is like suffocating a fire with a flamethrower. Jack White's dignified their Israeli scarves and that fucking out of place facial hair they always seem to have.

Of course there's a picture.

This is an absolute travesty. The only clever pop songwriter in the world has been impregnated by some savage man who clearly has no right, like I do, to do such a thing to Allen.

He is a monstrous brute.

It's strange that the media is obsessed with bellies filled with ever-mutating cellular clusterfucks.

Some people call them babies.

If only because after it does its last swing from the umbilical cord, it's as though the baby were dropped into a figurative abyss and the media moves along to the next impregnated stomach.

Like, whatever happened to Tom Cruise's baby? She was a frenzy 4 years ago.

Bet you didn't know she looks like this now.

After some deliberation (Which for me is 3 seconds of "Eh why not"), I've decided this week's 13 will be a separate post, which will be up later tonight. See ya then.

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