Sunday, June 13, 2010

Blog Recap: You're A Douche, Pat Robertson.

I've written about several hundred blogs dating back to about 2005. Most of the early ones were as intriguing as a chapter in Twilight.

They look like two jugs of milk with eyes.

But there are several gems from here to there. So every so often, I like to re-post them. Here's one I wrote early this year on my Facebook profile.


There are many douches. Some are justifiable in their douchery, such as everyone's favorite cuddly Civil Rights leader Macolm X, and others not so much (see: Hitler).

However, some vile douchery just doesn't get enough attention in any way whatsoever. These people are so douchey, in fact, that they deserve an entire note written about them, to which I create the segment "You're A Douche."

In this one, we'll look at a complete douche who has long flown under the radar: Pat Robertson.

Where do I even start? Pat Robertson has dozens of quotes spanning 20 years where he remorselessly slanders whole countries and peoples during their most troubled times. And yet, somehow, he sticks around on the air on a show/network that runs mostly via donation: the 700 Club.

Maybe it's because his nose hairs are sooo cute.

There's even whole pages on the Internet dedicated solely to Robertson's inane babble, in which he mostly "predicts" terrible events enacted by God 'cause "God tells him". Look Pat, God says a lot of things, but I kind of maybe doubt he'd say...

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

Or, when talking about the US possibly conspiring to assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez,

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it...We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability."

Or, after Dover elected that teaching Intelligent Design (The idea that a God created the universe) in public schools was in violation of the Constitution,

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there."


But the thing is that, while for years this always kinda irked me, it never really got under my skin personally. In fact, I always just laughed him off like you would some guy on Broad and Market kicking trash cans over and yelling at pigeons.

Then Haiti happened. Arguably the worst natural disaster of all-time; leaving hundreds of thousands dead. It was only a matter of time before the old bag made a statement or two, but Jesus Christ (No, I didn't do that on purpose, shut up), this was too much:

"It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other."

True story, yo.

I mean come on. Has there ever been a paragraph that was more likely to make you say "Wow." in history? It's completely insensitive, and spits in the face of the innocent victims in Haiti.

But let's play "Debate the Stupid" for a second.

Which was also the tagline for the 2004 Presidential Primaries.

Let's say there is a God and that he's vengeful and that Haiti's uprising was 'cause of the Devil. How flawed is the logic in the thought that "Yeah, I'm just gonna earthquake the shit out of an island because 300 years ago they made me mad!!!"? I mean, isn't God infallible? Because holy shit, that's fallible as hell. Wouldn't he do it 300 years ago the moment the pact happened?

And let's say that God does attack countries and areas responsible for injustices and devil-related dealings. Wouldn't God just explode the US? I mean, the entire act of slavery is almost like the described pictures of Hell. And they even massacred Native Americans on top of it.

Shouldn't this whole continent just get devoured by a big fucking kraken or something? Because the late 1600s to the mid-1900s were some dark, bloody eras.

I mean, we had nothing to do with that, but we're on this land aren't we? Just like the innocent people of Haiti were, right?

Sorry. Kraken was the first thing that came to mind.

But that's playing Devil's Advocate and assuming he's actually being sincere. "Well gosh Brian why would anyone say these things on TV and not be serious!?"

Because they have money to make. People to please. Agendas to push.

It's so sensational, Robertson's statements, that they have to have an ulterior motive. He couldn't have possibly said it because he believes in it. So when chewing on that for a second, almost certainly he must be making these outlandish ass statements for the ratings, no? No man would just throw out insanities like this all the time if he wasn't trying to grab eyes and ears.

But let's not forget that this is all in the name of God. Even as an Atheist, I have to say, the perversion of the word of God here by this nose-whiskered fuck is abhorrent. I'm almost offended, and would be if I were Christian.

Hell, I am offended, because the fact that a guy would be willing to slander a holy deity and disgrace an entire nation in need of serious reconstruction, for the sake of ratings and publicity, means that guy is a complete selfish dick who holds nothing sacred, and is worth openly despising until his face is no longer on that screen of mine.

Or until his cheeks finally cave in on his mouth.

So this is Pat Robertson. A sensational televangelist with no respect for people or God as he yells profane words on TV. And he is a douche.


  1. Lolol I had no idea who this guy was, but I chuckled. And don't hate on pale people man! One day we'll take over.

  2. British people don't know too much about American televangelists. You guys manage to keep your religious crazies off the screen.

    And I don't! I love pale girls. But they look like milk jugs! I'm only calling 'em as I sees 'em.