Wednesday, June 23, 2010

BP is so stupid!!!....Right?

In case you didn't know, there's a big blob of oil somewhere near Louisiana or something.

It would be delightfully stupid if the blog ended here.

I'm not writing this to do some totally original BP rant though. If you hadn't noticed, I'm not one to write about timely topics of discussion, usually because everyone beats the subject with the same criticism until it dies. Then it animorphs into a horse.

And they keep going.

The reason I bring up the oil spill is to deconstruct this conspiratorial question: Why do they look so stupid in the process?

The thing that tends to keep people from believing in conspiracies, besides the fact that they can be completely and totally ridiculous, is that they like to think anyone who isn't them is an idiot and needs to be taught otherwise. Then they often stop at that thought and move on with their lives.

And so has been the case with BP CEO Tony Hayward, who was seen a few days ago indulging in a yacht race. Here are the reactions from the article:

"Man, that ain't right. None of us can even go out fishing, and he's at the yacht races ," said Bobby Pitre, 33, who runs a tattoo shop in the crossroads town of Larose, La. "I wish we could get a day off from the oil, too."

Raymond Canevari, 59, of Pensacola, said he was insulted by the fact that Hayward would take in a yacht race while the oil still flows.

"I think everyone has the right to do what they want in their free time, but he doesn't have the right to have free time at all," said Canevari, who scouts the bayous, bays and Gulf for driftwood and other found objects, and turns the debris into nature-themed art. "Not until this crisis is resolved."

Sai Stiffler spent Saturday doing some repairs on his shrimp boat...he was not pleased that Obama was playing golf and BP's CEO was at a yacht race while his life is on hold.

"Right now is no time for that," Stiffler said. "I don't think they know how bad people are hurting. They make a lot of promises but that's it."

And the thought stops there.

What we don't do often enough is give credit to the intelligence that Tony Hayward may very well be capable of, and wonder why someone like this would make such critical errors at such atrocious times.

For example, how fucking blatant a negative PR move is this yacht race? At least George Bush went to a ranch; the pretentious involvement of yachts is just laughably dicking people in the ass at this point.

Hayward seen in the middle, about as inconspicuous as a crackwhore in a ghetto alley.

And as a man who recieved a PhD at 22 from the University of Edinborough and first joined BP as a rig geologist in 1982, you can be damn sure he's more perceptive than the greedy jackass we've framed him as. This only conjures more questions about his poor-choice of actions.

He's also executing a shell game with the blame, causing the media and Congress to waste time assessing who's fault it was, despite the glaringly simple logic that if a BP oil rig bursts and leaks, it's BP's fault.

Voila, this mother fucker figured it out.

It must have also been exceedingly obvious to him the dangers of building a rig in the deep sea. More likely than not, they must have long since created procedures and way of avoiding/remedying such accidents, no? No corporation, particularly one working with a precious resource such as oil, could be so daft as to make rigs in a pressurized environment without a backup plan.

I mean this list of resources for this unprecedented fix-up sounds like he eenie-meenie-minny-mo'd it out of a small book of nouns:

• Robot carrying a giant box (failed)
• Robot carrying a giant top hat (failed)
Human hair
Hay blower
Alpaca fleece
Nuclear bomb
Holocaust of birds
Underwater robots with a tube
Peat moss
• Siphon
Build an island to block it
Soak it up with garbage
Plug the hole up with garbage
Golf balls
Pelt it with mud
Dish soap
Kevin Costner
Vacuum-sealed underwater dome
• Ignore (failed)

Seriously? We shot golf balls and garbage into it? Before we used robots with diamond-tipped saws?!

Yeah let's just fucking throw that in there. Keep the robots with the saws on hold.

I can't honestly sit there and believe that this oil spill is a genuine accident with this many Benny Hill-esque mistakes going on. No one is that foolish, especially a man with Hayward's resumé and current position. Though stupidity makes a fine facade for cunning.

And on a fleeting yet interesting note, why would you provide the world with 24/7 video footage of the most disastrous error in the history of your company? If you were BP, would you do that? Ever?

So now the difficult part: What are the ends? Why burst an oil rig, waste precious gallons of oil, endanger the life and culture of the Gulf of Mexico, and look like a jackass in the process? Though I'm not quite certain yet, I am keeping an eye on the 20 billion dollars in funds Obama and BP agreed to in order to repair all damages caused by the spill.

Mind you, it took less than a week for Kenneth Feinberg, the government-appointed overseer of these funds, to boldly proclaim that 20 billion will not be enough.

If this is indeed the incentive, it isn't unprecedented. Remember when the banks were flailing? Oh yeah, they got money too. Especially AIG, who received 180 billion dollars.

And afterward, AIG dished out millions in bonuses last year as well. And they're in talks for 200 million in bonuses this year.

And oh, yeah, Kenneth Feinberg oversaw that one as well.

So is the oil spill an intentional catastrophe akin to the banks' intentional catastrophe? It's a bit subjective, I suppose. But I don't believe anyone involved in either of these games are as ignorant or stupid as we'd so lovingly believe their actions to be. These are wily ol' fucks we're talking about; men who drive the economy of the world.

Quite simply, muck-ups of this magnitude can't solely be the fault of human ignorance; not in a situation where everyone is as accomplished (And damn well have to be) as they are. I have an inkling this spill is something a little more calculated than "Oopsies!"; whatever the incentive may be.


  1. you say 'edinborough' like it's a prestigious thing, but dude, it's about an hour away from where i live, and TRUST ME. it's not fancy. if this guy got a degree from there i'm severely unimpressed because the uni there is really not admirable at all. i'm not surprised he's crooked.

  2. I'll be honest and say I wasn't sure about the credentials of the school. The PhD was the bigger focal point though.

    I'm scared to make another post now; I have the sharpest eye in England waiting for my slip-ups.

  3. it's an english thing to wait for americans to misquote something about england and then go OH NO ACTUALLY WAIT IT'S THIS SEE YOU UNINFORMED YANK. english people are deliciously cruel explaining why i've always felt english at heart.
    also we hate being referred to as britain because only racists are specifically proud of being british, and also wales is technically in britain and everyone hates wales.